Early Warning Signs

I was at a party, one of my closest friend’s birthday parties to be exact. Like the fizzy drink in a bottle that has been shaken vigorously, my anger was about to burst beyond the flimsy lid that had been feebly containing it until now. A man I did not know grabbed my waist as I waited for a drink at the bar and swung me around to face him and that led to the lid rocketing off into space. ‘What the f*** do you think you’re doing?’ I more or less screamed. Cue a further round of expletives from yours truly. Cue aforementioned man looking very confused, stepping back in bewilderment. Cue my friend looking at me with a concerned expression on her face.

This was very out-of-character behaviour for me. I think I attempted to start about three fights that night, verbally, and swore a great deal – I would have given Gordon Ramsay a run for his money. The same thing happened at another party a few weeks later.

My friends were really worried about me, and suspected I had some form of illness because I had been acting like a completely different person. I was completely oblivious to all of this, of course. I saw myself as undertaking some sort of crusade against men (one of my many delusions). This was September 2017, two months after I graduated but around a month and a half before I was hospitalised.

Let’s pause for a second here. What I was experiencing here were early warning signs of a psychotic episode. Generally speaking, they include:

• A worrisome drop in grades or job performance
• Trouble thinking clearly or concentrating
• Suspiciousness or uneasiness with others
• A decline in self-care or personal hygiene
• Spending a lot more time alone than usual
• Strong, inappropriate emotions or having no feelings at all

At these parties, I had no doubt illustrated points (3) and (6). The others I also manifested at various different stages in the run-up to my first full-blown psychotic episode. The explosive anger also correlates with the traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder (also known as borderline personality disorder) that I have, specifically, with emotional dysregulation – trouble with managing strong emotions and regulating or controlling these emotions.

The key distinguisher is that, when some of these factors are taken together, they are indicative signs that a psychotic break might be imminent.

Back to the party. I was called a ‘psycho’ (the first and only time someone has said this to my face) by another guest. Now, if I ever met that woman again, I would probably explain to her that this term is loaded with stigma and therefore should be avoided (I’m looking at you, Ava Max). But that’s a gripe for another time.